We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
