the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
