all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize