I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
