Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
