My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
