My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
