I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
