Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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