I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
