Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
