i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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