I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
