I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
