Bisexual people are plain selfish.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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