the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
