Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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