Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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