Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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