So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
