there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
