There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
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