:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
