is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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