Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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