Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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