i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize