if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
