omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
