Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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