Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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