come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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