Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
