New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Randomize
