I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
