Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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