theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
