elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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