this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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