Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
