Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
