just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
