i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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