if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
A bitchslap is in order.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
