he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
