I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
