she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
