I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
