I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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