He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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