who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
