My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
