I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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