I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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