If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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