I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
