she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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