Girls should come with a carfax report
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
