Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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