Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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