So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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