Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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