If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
