i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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