A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
