highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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