I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
