That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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